Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Me: Hey, do you want to –

My 13 Year Old: No.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram

The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

❤️🦆

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi