Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.

I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

DATE: do you want kids?

ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.