Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

Traffic fantasy:

– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

*pronounces UPS like yoops

The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.

The Compass

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast