Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
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Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!