Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?