Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?