Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
old twitter is back baby
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.