Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
The Friday File.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk