Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE