Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.