Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

boss: i never got ur email

me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now

Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.