Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Tastes like chicken.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

Anime is real