Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.