Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey