@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

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@Home_Halfway

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

@mom_ontherocks

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

@justokpanda

I’m sorry I can’t make your party but this LEGO treehouse submarine skate park princess castle isn’t just going to build itself

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@Scimommy

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@pittdave13

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

@OreoSpeedwagon_

After seeing a commercial for Toddlers In Tiaras, I realise Darth Vader wasn’t the worst parent ever.

@seamussaid

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey