@Zwolf666

Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

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@KindOfASmartass

I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored

@Shen_the_Bird

A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade

@ClichedOut

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

@TravLeBlanc

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

@daemonic3

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

@WigCannon

before stairs there’d be someone on the second floor and people would ask “how’d you get up there” and they’d be like “i don’t know”