Stephen Hawking’s worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.

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Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.


We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.


11: Did it rain last night?

Me: No.

11: But it’s so wet!

Me: That’s what she said.

11: What?

Me: What?


The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?


Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.


Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it


I thought air was free until I bought a bag of Lay’s Potato Chips!


Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.