Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I beg your pardon?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Hello Twits.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no