Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out