Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
LOL
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.