Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Only you can prevent podcasts
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
buys donuts instead
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!