Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.
You Might Also Like
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.