Stephen King ruined corn children for me
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he