Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown

Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life

Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!

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You wouldn’t believe me after reading my TL but my 1st language actually is English


Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%


[Whale watching]

me: see that humpback over there? see its blowhole?

date: yeah

me: *nods* that’s where the periscope used to be



ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.


“You’re sure that’s the right word?”

“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”

“Print it.”


“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard


How do people in the movies dig 6-foot deep graves with a shovel? I got tired digging a hole to plant a bush


God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool