Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Breaking news:
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.