Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.