STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
