STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The best plant holders?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.