Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
