Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning, Twitter x

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’