Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
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Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?