Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
The Backseat Boys
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally