Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Dr Mario: you have a tumor

me: two more what

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.