Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.

– factory defect men’s underwear

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

I support this random dude and all his protests

“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor