Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Saw your ex at the shops
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
IT’S-A ME,
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest