Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

They did not miss in the small print

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding

me: WHO IS HE

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague