Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
You Might Also Like
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket