Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.

Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Dishonest mechanic?

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

“What do we want?”

“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”

“When do we want it?”

“Not!”

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her