*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
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A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Never deleting this app.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.