Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”

And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

dril cadence

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

Cow it started Cow it’s going