[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
…u ok Nintendo?
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.