[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.