Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day

ME: Thanks boss!

BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Me: *falling asleep*

My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore

Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Meow

Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.

– an early draft