[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’d … I’d rather not.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.