*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.