*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries