Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
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How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.