Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Oh deer

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.