[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Cool shirt 🙂
i love modern commerce
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress