Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”

– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

“Why did you leave your last job?”

-I had a typo in a tweet.

“Mistakes happen!”

-I worked for Yahoo Finance.

“Thanks for coming in. Bye”

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

How do I rate our solar system?

One star