Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

Alien: Take me to your leader.

Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Social Media and Real life

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.

Source: grew up on a farm.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail