date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.