Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

[at work]

Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?

*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*

“No…why do you ask?”

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”