Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,