@ashmensch

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

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@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

@elle91

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@jjhartinger

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@MelvinofYork

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

@cbme69

What man can make three meals and snacks out of one fish all day? I call bullshit!