*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?
WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?
WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
What man can make three meals and snacks out of one fish all day? I call bullshit!