*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
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OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
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Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed