[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that