[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Dumple
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Stop sending me this shit.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”