*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I put the hot in psychotic.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.