*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You Might Also Like
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Life hack
can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*