Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them