Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

[before horsepower was invented]

car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.

[My Wedding]

Me: I do

Guests: Awww

Me: Or do I?

Guests: Ooooo

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me