Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: *does something cute*

Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?

Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

This is my emotional support knife.