STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“Worm Regards”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
