STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.