Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING