Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
guilty
could’ve been anyone
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.