Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
{ texting judge get out of jury duty } My chupacabra just died :/ {remembering that i got their number illegally } I guessed your number
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
You wish you had this many chins.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
best first i’ve ever seen
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you