Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

My birthstone is kidney

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.