Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed

Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats

I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”