Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy![]()
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
when someone rings the doorbell
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It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The Compass
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Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming