Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.

Drank.

Drunk.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

My mom when I pay for dinner: oh sweetie, you really shouldn’t have done that!

My dad when I pay for dinner: if I had known, I would have gotten the ribeye!

“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.