Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

Hmmmmm

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

what my late-night hot pocket sees

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.