Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
#inspiration #foodforthought
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.