Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.