Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
bury ourselves
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.